By Alan Stafford When were young, were taught to play nice and share. Selfishness is a vice, and consideration a virtue. We carry those beliefs with us into adulthood where they work well in everyday life. But, the situation is different when youre dating. Dating is all about finding someone who meets your requirements for a mate. Its not about molding yourself to fit your partners requirements. So, the best way to have long term success in your relationship? Be more selfish when dating. Most men and women aren't nearly selfish enough when they are dating. That may sound backward to you because you try to be on your best behavior during a date. You try to make a good impression. You try to be considerate and selfless because you want the other person to like you. While this selflessness makes you a great date, it doesnt get you what you want. It doesnt get you a life partner who meets your definition of a good mate. Years later, youre unhappy. You really didnt choose a mate; you were chosen. Its all about him You make a big mistake when you set aside your feelings and cater totally to the other person desires so that he or she will like you. Thats bad for two reasons. First, its not fair to your date. He never gets to know you: your tastes, your preferences, and your personality. So how could he know if the two of you are really compatible? Express yourself. Let him know your preferences and your quirks. Give him the chance to bail if you dont fit his ideal for a partner. Dont show him just your good side in order to have a relationship. Br open, and be real. If hes the man for you, hell accept you and will want to please you. If hes not the man for you, better to find out now instead of after the wedding when you have a big mortgage and small kids. Its all about you
You're also being unfair to yourself. By suppressing your desires and preferences, you are letting your partner set the terms of the relationship. That doesnt work long term. In fact, a major cause of divorces is because one or both spouses settled for the other in order to have a relationship and get married. Dont settle. Be selfish. This is your relationship, too. You have the right to choose anyone and reject anyone for any reason. You dont owe your dates anything except courtesy and kindness. You will owe your spouse a lifetime of love and commitment. The more selfish you are during the dating process-the choosier you are when selecting a life partner-the easier it will be to love and to cherish. Selfish in dating, but selfless in love If youre dating the right person, he or she will love you just as you are. There are plenty of prospects who will meet your requirements and needs. Prospects who fit your ideal of a life partner. But, youll never find them if you settle for something less than you want. Be up front from the beginning. Express yourself freely and openly. Its not phony, its not pretentious: its you being you. You can still be charming and polite. But, be prepared for a lot of dates to walk away. The fact that you werent right for them means that they werent right for you. Right?
Openness and honesty in dating will also carry forward into openness and honesty in marriage. Knowing that you are right for each other before the wedding is the secret to a lifetime of wedded bliss as a couple. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach
I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work
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2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts
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